Bowen Theory, also known as Systems Theory, states that family is one emotional unit. We experience things together.
There are multigenerational emotional processes and in each generation, there is a differentiation stage where the individual begins to separate from the FOO (family of origin) or HOO (home of origin). A healthy individual experiences this separation which is called differentiation in the Bowen Theory when the parents begin to let their children go by building their self-esteem and helping them become confident individuals that are empowered with their unique gifts and affirmed by the parents and their peers. I believe this is such an important step in our growth as a family and as individuals. I’ve been counseling families and individuals that have not experienced this yet. You can even be 50 years old and still may have not differentiated self from your own FOO.
This healthy independence brings strong interdependence in multi-generational families. Why? Because when individuals are healthy and happy they are more than likely to want to come back to their FOO and love the parents as mature adults. An unhealthy individual will continue to be bitter at their parents even if the parents did everything for them. Enabling your children is never good for them. In another words, if they can do things for themselves, let them do it. The only reason why parents “have to” do things for their children even when they can do it for themselves is because of their own need for validation and approval.
What this means for me personally is that my kids will do things for themselves more and more in the future. They will pay for their own cars, make their own meals, plan things for themselves, and do their own laundry too. This will elevate their self-esteem and become healthy emotionally by being responsible. Responsibility nurtures self-respect. And I’m telling you that many young people lack self-respect. This is one of the identity crisis for the Millenials.
P BEN
Redeeming Community Ministries